I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Randomize
