Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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