He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
