I molested 6 butterflies tonight
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize