I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
