tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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