That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
