tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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