The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
