I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
