I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
