If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
