so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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