The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
