i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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