wrigley field is MILF paradise
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
