took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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