my phone needs a breathalizer
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize