So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
