I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
