Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Randomize
