My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm both gender and math confused
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
