When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
