Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
