He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I am available for nakedness
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
