So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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