I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I think I sprained my soul last night
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
