Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
