You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
