my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
