Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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