Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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