I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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