If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
