I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
