Just fell off a train. Bad.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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