I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If I die, sorry about rent.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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