Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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