I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
MIDGETS
????
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
