i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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