An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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