The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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