Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
