I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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