my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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