Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
True strength comes from lack of pants
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