When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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