I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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