My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
