There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
