Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
