Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You dont lie about slip and slides
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
