I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
