How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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