Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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