At least make sure they are 18
Why
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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