guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
